家庭的舊故事

[ 近來家庭論壇給一些搗事閒人搗得烏煙瘴氣, 煩擾之餘, 祇有去翻些舊貼, 不時還找到些精品. 這篇早期的"匿名"作品, 不知仍會有人去認領? ]


遊客 148.87.1.x

發表於 2002-12-14 04:57

My True Story My story is not a very exciting one. I am from Hong Kong originally, and now I live in the U.S.A. My parents always wanted a daughter but they got me instead. I cannot even remember when I started wishing to be a girl. When I were young (early Primary School years), my parent bought me colourful and soft panties to wear. I remembered being laughed at by my neighbors. Growing up, I have a lot more female friends than male friends. I don't like sports and my favourite hobbies are playing the piano and drawing pictures. Whenever my friends have new hair styles or wear new clothes, I recognize that immediately. Even though I wish I were female, I seldom cross dress. I keep my desire in the "wishing" state. In this world, there are a lot things you cannot change, and being male or female is one of them. I accept that I am a male and try my best to live as a male. Every male has some "female" inside and every female has some "male" inside. We may have more "female elements" than other males. Instead of being a CD, TG..., I use my "female elements" to become a better person. I got married 4 years ago. My wife's parents actually wanted a son badly. She probably has more "male elements" than ordinary female. So, our marriage works out pretty well. I do most of the housework and keep our home neat and clean. My wife works really hard and usually comes home pretty late. I believe you don't need to be a CD or TG to really "live out" your female side. Whether you look like a female or not is not that important. The most important thing is to understand yourself and accept yourself. I have some comments about those "science fiction" stories posted in this web site. I don't like most of them. There are too much sex in the stories. I wish I were a girl, but I don't want to be a sex machine with devil's body and angel's face. Most of those stories are completely male fantasies. I'd prefer something more from the female prospective. If I have time, I will try to write one and post it on this site.

曰落

太陽, 衹照常於千億年的運轉...

在這天涯一隅, 一個心靈卻驚駭於這一刻的壯麗

暫促地忘卻了煩憂琑事, 還啟示了眨然的禪機

陽光, 卻無聲無息地湮沒在天邊... 日已央

2009.9.11 1900 (也不過是一組數字)

性 宗教 (一)

Ooops, 這是篇寫了好久未能完成的凌亂的思維摘錄, 不時修修改改, 寫得不知所為, 結不了尾, 又不想全删了, 陰錯陽差, 不知哪天不小心按錯了發放鍵, 是上天看不過眼, 給小如出下羞... 旣然公開了, 衹好留著做框子, 有空、有靈感時再改改, 算是 Under Construction, 尚在挖教會的汚泥...
-- 9/27/09



幾星期前, 看了 "The Da Vinci Code" 與 "Angels & Demons" 電影版, 又剛好Dan Brown新書 "The Lost Symbol" 出版在即, 興起好好重看了二本原著.

重看時, 捌開了緊凑的故事情結, 才可以較能頜悟到故事後作者的含意; The Da Vinci Code 是宗教與性的衝突, 是被羅馬天主教庭鎮壓了二千多年的女神崇拜(Goddess worshiping, Divine Feminine)的掙扎作故事的背景, 而 Angels & Demons 是 da Vinci Code 的前集, 是宗教與科學的衝突, 二種極端的哲理意念上寫照, 帶著陰、陽的極端與對稱(symmetry)、相輔, 同樣帶著不少男(demons)女(angels)性衝突與共存的象徵性, 利用了羅馬城繁多的教堂中雕像作題材...

自小在教會學校中接觸了不少宗教(還另加上西方教會vs 本土拜神佛的不很協調的社會現象), 讀的、喜歡的卻是很理性的理課, 所以很能感覺到 Dan Brown 書中那種衝突. 自小對性的迷罔不協和, 也是給宗教中的罪惡感與靈慾左右著自己的思維、反抗力. Dan Brown的二本故事給自己不少聯想思考, 這裏想絡繹引述些這類衝突, 寫些感受...

* * * * * * * *

西方基督教 (Christianity), 是在利用人理性中的罪惡感.

遠自人之初亞當夏娃甞禁果而始的人之原罪, 實在是個無名之罪, 是對人性的極端踐踏汚辱, 卻還強意靠著教會的聖水去洗脫; 再大的罪惡, 衹需臨終的告解懺悔, 罪人也上天堂, 阿彌陀佛, 天堂上殺人犯多籮籮...天堂上有否輪迴噢?

教條中的禁慾、對性營造的罪惡感, 自小好奇的心靈給扣上對性莫明的恐懼, 那老神父上的性教育課, 祇記得他歇斯底里對自瀆的踐踏, 強調修道士偏激的禁慾, 造成對性總有著抹不掉的汚髒罪惡感 ...

把人最基本的生理結構, 描述成一種心理上的恐懼、罪惡感, 教會才有機會控制這大部份的人類, 畜為良民.

(有cd的慾念, 告解後就能戒去那"癖"習了嗎? . . .)

除非是澈底地洗腦, 我不想信任何的戒、我不敢肯定我明天會去做、去想的事, 同樣, 我不想信任何的寬恕; 已犯的罪, 應該永不會洗脫忘卻, 已做的事, 將永有個責任, 與教會. 我終無法接受協調, 永恆的天堂不可能存在...

就是不明白別人對宗教的誠心...

The Da Vinci Code 的背後, Dan Brown 試搆造羅馬天主教庭近二千年利用男權來低貶女性的假設theory, -- 為何救世主耶穌不能有神聖的性事、基本生理的生肓下代, 而反是無甚意義的"肉體復活", 他反的是教庭的無理荒謬, 倒還不至於反宗教的信仰

聖經中提到, 上帝以自己的形象創造了人的祖先亞當, 然後用亞當肋骨造了個女人... (近代研究聖經提議, 肋骨 rib 可能是翻繹古猶太文的錯謬, 該作"另一半"較準確), 大男人主義自然把上帝畫成了老公公, 但既然上帝是人的原本樣板, 至少該有男女雙性的特徵才是合理, 上帝是跨性別的, 上帝該是忽男忽女、又男又女、不男不女的 androgyne 才是呵!

以此, The Da Vinci Code 中耶穌的Mary Madeleine 老婆、傳宗接代的故事才合理化了, 大男人主義的教庭可硬要耶穌做個跨性別的聖人, 抑是硬要歧視、汚辱上帝的跨性別形象? 扭曲下歷史去做文章, 自當然成為best seller了...

反 反歧視

看"滙豐變性高層" 與家庭中的討論. 小如的感覺這事件是"May"的失策向媒體公開, 得不到同情, 反而禍來媒體一貫地刻意喧染誇張的反効果, 連家庭中的討論也淪為passable、男女厠及一貫空洞的"支持"聲音, 及無謂的cd/ts爭持...

從表面的有限資料去端測, 公司還是似有意在辦理May的特殊情況, 不大似觸犯一般的性別歧視攻策, 個別管理人仕的評言竟見、升遷決定多數不能搆成為公司的歧視, 特別是沒有任何前鑒或重覆事件...同樣公司也不應該就特殊(如性別)問題而給於個人特別待遇或遷就... 如果確有工作上的缺陷(譬如因離婚時期對工作的影嚮), 就更不該以"歧視"來作籍口或掩飾了... May 如此用媒體去共開公司的事件, 祇能杜絕可商酌的餘地, 感覺有點心痛這"最終"的一條死路...

作為邊緣化的群族, 許多時需要靠法律上的反歧視政策來保護自己、得以生存、發展自我, 但濫用"反歧視", 以"反歧視"來博取個人利益或借作藉口, 也是現今社會邊緣族的一點悲哀, 美國社會中利用種族歧視法律而造成不少相反的"不平等"待遇, 這是爭取來的利益? 抑實是增重種族際的敵視、不平等? 過份的"反歧視"口號與行動, 可能帶來更多的歧視, 相反的待遇...

已豁出去了, 感到好無奈的痛楚、迷罔、擾亂 ...